“Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.” — Brené Brown
Recently, I was supporting a new client through an employee termination that, quite frankly, had gone off the rails long before the employment relationship officially ended.
The termination itself was not the problem. It was merely the conclusion of a series of issues that had been building for months. As I worked through the situation, I found myself reviewing the familiar patterns that often emerge when workplace relationships begin to deteriorate, similarly to any other inter-personal relationships I might add. There were gaps in communication, expectations that had never been clearly articulated, undocumented conversations, emotional emails and texts, and growing frustration on both sides. There was also an unfortunate tendency to involve people in discussions who had no business being part of the conversation, seeking a second opinion or simply venting to a work friend, which only served to complicate matters further.
As I reflected on the situation, I realized it was not unique. Throughout my career in Human Resources, I have been involved in hundreds of difficult conversations. Some have required mediation and coaching. Others have required rebuilding trust between leaders and employees. Still others have ended with a decision that the employment relationship could no longer continue. Yet despite the different circumstances, many of these situations shared a common thread.
At some point, a conversation that needed to happen simply did not. Or perhaps it happened, but not in a way that created understanding.
As leaders, we often struggle with delivering difficult messages. We want to be compassionate, respectful, and supportive. We worry about damaging relationships, hurting someone’s confidence, or creating conflict. As a result, we soften our language, hedge our feedback, and carefully select words that feel less confrontational. While the intention is usually positive, the outcome is often anything but.
In our effort to spare someone and ourselves the discomfort, we sometimes dilute the message so much that the message itself is lost.
The employee leaves believing they are meeting expectations. The manager leaves believing they have addressed the concerning underperformance. Months later, when performance issues persist or more serious action becomes necessary, both parties feel blindsided. The manager is frustrated because they believe they have already discussed the issue. The employee is shocked because they never truly understood the severity of the concern.
Neither person intended for the situation to unfold that way. Yet it happens every day in workplaces across every industry.
What I have learned over the years is that most employees are far more capable of receiving constructive feedback than leaders give them credit for. In fact, some of the most successful professionals I have worked with can point to a difficult conversation that fundamentally changed the trajectory of their career.
I recall working with a manager whose team was becoming increasingly frustrated with his leadership style. Deadlines were being missed, communication was inconsistent, and accountability was lacking. His leader recognized the issues but struggled to address them directly. Feedback was delivered gently and indirectly, often focusing on encouragement rather than the specific behaviours that were creating challenges. Predictably, very little changed.
Eventually, a more direct conversation took place. The discussion was professional, respectful, and supported by specific examples. Most importantly, it was honest. For the first time, the manager fully understood the impact his actions were having on the business and on the people around him.
The conversation was not easy. It was uncomfortable for everyone involved. However, it also became a turning point. Within months, he had made significant changes to his leadership approach and ultimately became one of the strongest leaders in the organization.
The difference was not that someone finally criticized him. The difference was that someone finally provided clarity.
This is what many leaders misunderstand about feedback. Effective feedback is not about pointing out flaws or assigning blame. It is about creating awareness. It helps people understand the gap between where they are and where they need to be. Without that awareness, improvement becomes nearly impossible.
You cannot correct a problem you do not know exists.
Unfortunately, many leaders are promoted into management positions without ever being taught how to have these conversations effectively. They excelled in their technical role, demonstrated strong performance, and earned the opportunity to lead others. Yet leadership requires an entirely different set of skills, particularly when it comes to navigating difficult conversations.
Providing meaningful feedback requires confidence, empathy, preparation, and courage. It requires the ability to separate the individual from the behaviour and to focus on observable facts rather than assumptions. Most importantly, it requires a genuine desire to help someone succeed rather than simply documenting shortcomings.
The best performance conversations are not punitive. They are developmental.
When delivered properly, feedback should answer three simple questions: What is happening? Why does it matter? What needs to change?
When employees understand those answers, they are in a much stronger position to improve.
The strongest leaders I have worked with are not necessarily the most charismatic, the most experienced, or even the most knowledgeable. They are the leaders who are willing to address issues early, communicate expectations clearly, and have conversations that others would rather avoid.
They understand that unresolved concerns rarely disappear on their own. Instead, they grow. Minor frustrations become resentment. Small misunderstandings become major conflicts. Coaching opportunities become performance management issues. In some cases, they become terminations.
That is why Brené Brown’s quote resonates so strongly with me.
“Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.”
Honesty delivered with respect is not cruelty. It is not harshness. It is not a lack of empathy.
In many cases, it is the greatest act of leadership we can offer.
As leaders, our responsibility is not to make every conversation comfortable. Our responsibility is to create understanding, provide direction, and help people reach their potential. Sometimes that requires difficult conversations. Sometimes it requires feedback that may be hard to hear.
But when delivered thoughtfully and with genuine care, those conversations often become the very moments that inspire growth, strengthen relationships, and change careers for the better.
The conversations we avoid today often become the problems we manage tomorrow. Perhaps the better question is not whether we should have difficult conversations, but whether we care enough about the people we lead to have them.
SOURCE KATE TEVES, THE HR PRO
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